i think of u

I still can't help but feel like after all this time you've still been the benchmark of all relationships I've ever had. I probably can't say the same for you though, you trigger happy, love hungry child. It was really the hardest thing in the world for me to see you again although my reaction was not what I had expected at all. I totally lost it. It's so uncharacteristic of me to lose it like that. I guess some effects just don't wear off over time. 

You have always had the ability to get under my skin in the best and worst possible way. 

Maybe you're right, maybe it isn't possible for us to be friends. Maybe it never will be.

I've dragged this out for as long as I could have because I love you and I wanted for us to have a fair chance. I don't want this to end in a way where we have to resent each other, and I don't want to prolong what I know is already coming. You're a wonderful and beautiful person. I've had many happy days with you and I will always cherish everything that you've done. 

I just know that you're not the one. The older I get the more I realize I'm running out of time, and I don't want to waste anymore time. This isn't a bad thing. We are just a combination of two very different people, and that's completely fine. You've done nothing wrong. The last thing I want is for you to change any aspect of yourself to make me happy. But I know what true love and happiness feels like.. and right now I feel like I'm just fooling myself into thinking that I'm truly happy when I'm really just safe and comfortable. It's not at all fair to you and I want you to know that you can go so far in your life if you just focus on yourself. Maybe this will be a realization for you to get your shit together and finally follow your dreams.

For now, I have a lot on my plate. I need to take care of myself before I worry over anyone else. 

I hope you understand. 

I love you.

Marriage is such a scary thing. How do you know when you've found the one? I asked my mom this question. After being married for 25 years she tells me it's more to do with who you can tolerate for the rest of your life. Ive always imagined myself years from now being able to wake up next to the same person and still be in love. Maybe that's foolish of me. But I don't expect much less.

I guess when the time is right I'll know. It has to be someone I want to do everything with, share every experience, not because I can tolerate them but because I want to share every aspect of my life, down to the stupid little things.. I've experienced enough to know exactly what I want. But..

Marriage is just so.. final. Finality is intimidating. As I get older everyone around me is hooking up and creating lives together. Im just over here trying to get a six pack and graduate already lol. Maybe I'll never get married. Who knows. Who knows..

Things would be different now.

dsjkalfjdskljfajksljghdjgh

why. mustifeelthisway.

anyways.

I just got accepted into San Jose State. (FINALLY). Two more years and I'm out of this beezy! wahoo!

So interesting reading old blog posts.. can't believe I'm still writing in you. Evolution of Trinh and thought process through the years and I would like to think I'm a tad wiser now. Just a tad.

I need to find a new job. I'm starting to feel very claustrophobic and trapped at BC. Working with your boyfriend is a bad idea. Never again.

The promotion is nice and super flexible scheduling keeps me even more comfortable. I need to branch myself out of my comfort zone and apply to maybe some higher fine dining establishments. Also, that internship with the East Side Union School District. *complete these goals by the fall semester.

Thinking about the future is scary. I can't let anything get in the way of what I want for myself.

Stay focused now. We're almost there.

Three weeks back in the gym now. Let's hope my progress keeps continuing. Will post pictures laters.

always takes me back to summer nights, long drives, beer pong, cold beaches, that run away with me and forget the world, overwhelming, crazy type of love.

I'm happy that you found your happiness.

august tenth

Wow. I haven't blogged in here for like, ever.

But then again I realize I only resort to writing when I'm going through a rough time somewhere in my life.

I really hope no one reads this shit. -____-

Writing seriously takes a load off of my mind. I created this blog solely for my own purpose. I don't really give a flying fuck what anyone thinks of its contents, given if that said person randomly stumbles across this garbage dump of words and flying hormones. Haha.

Mostly I write to myself.

I always read through these mindless rants and realize how ridiculous I sound, and how much I've grown. Realize certain changes that I've made and need to work on in my life.

Mostly my problems are about boys, honestly.
Seriously.
What.
The.
Fuck.

I've finally found some sort of direction to where I want to go in life. What I want for in my education and career. I think this is the perfect time to work on establishing myself. Make a name for myself. I can have time for a love life later when I'm like, 30 or something. Lol. Typing this and reading it inside my head sounds a little depressing, but how can you blame me when I have not really been single since the age of 15. I'm just not used to it. Yup, that's me. The "relationship" type of girl. Every guy I've met, I've developed an attachment to them. I don't really know how to just "date around", attachment free. I guess that's not in my vocabulary. But at the same time I have a pride the size of the Hindenberg that would never allow me to admit that to any dude, no matter how special you are to me. It's probably my ultimate downfall in a relationship.

I do have regrets. I'm not a perfect person. It's bullshit to me when people say "live life with no regrets". Okay, yeah don't be a dumbass and not learn from your fuck ups Trinh. But seriously. I regret that it ever happened to begin with.

Like the time I let this guy that meant the world to me just walk the fuck out of my life. Because I was prideful, and because I was scared. To be honest, I'm still scared. I'm fucking terrified. I don't know how to take risks and I play it safe because that's all I've ever known. I just wish I knew how he felt.

I don't care.
But I'm dying to know.

Goddammit.

I'm just going to sweep it under the rug with everything else.

And never touch that goddamn rug again. -_____-

car bill is due soon. fml

happy birthday.

"You wanna know how many women I've slept with over the last ten years? Hundreds, maybe more. I don't know. I barely see their faces. I married Wendy because I was lonely. Because I got tired of the endless disconnect, it was just a sad time out. Because when I'm inside someone, there's only one face I see."

Sons of Anarchy is some deep shit.

I don't know why I'm like this.

........ how did i ever?

-____________-

GOODBYE.

^__________________________________^

oh, how did I get so lucky to find you.

spoiled

.. so spoiled.

an ipad 2 from my best friends and a ps3 from my boyfriend. (with apparently more gifts arriving in the mail, so he says o___O) and my mama bought me the samsung galaxy s2 phone that i've been wanting to get for like ever. so YES, I HAVE A SMART PHONE NOW. O=

they wrecked my room with balloons and silly string and splooged me in the face when i got home. on top of that, yet ANOTHER surprise lunch with everyone else the next day. i never saw it coming. i seriously feel like the luckiest person ever and i can't think of anything else that could make me any happier.

i was so depressed to leave these 21 years of age behind me and yet,

this was the best birthday ever.

happy 22nd to me. (:

yuki bear

Lucy! The babies' mama

(:

they grow up so fast T__T

A new addition to our family.. my mom freaked (of course) when she first saw her but melted after the thing started following her around and playing with her affections. Yuki is such a smart baby. I named her after the Japanese word for "snow". She is a mixture of maltese/shih tzu/pomeranian/bichon/poodle, one crazy ass mix! Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaw. I love my baby. Now Mika has someone to play with, although she is crazy mad jealous. hahahah so cute.

I miss..

having that crazy-stupid-idgaf-haveitanywhere-blind-PASSIONATE-overwhelming type of love.

):

dem brows dough

update on the browszszszsz. told you they'd look fine. :p

new tattoo

yet another one. the most painful one thus far ): my skin is super swollen.

i'll post a picture once it heals correctly.