Friday, September 3, 2010

don't read this, it's useless information.

I never thought that this would be the result of me FINALLY letting my guard down and pouring my heart out on a piece of paper. Teaches me a fucking lesson. You get stabbed in the face when you let your guard down. But there are no regrets on my end, because I knew, I KNEW what I was doing the entire time. I just didn't know that you were never sure and I just wish that you never said the things you said and then take it all back in an instant. It makes me feel worthless, absolutely insignificant for you to even bother to try before it ever had the chance to begin. While I so openly declared that I would ALWAYS try for you. & I'm not even going to bother to sway you from your decision, it is entirely up to you. I guess, I never really had a say to begin with. I said that I wouldn't get hurt, but to be honest, I've never been so hurt in my life. The irony just kills me, because I was the cautious one. I was scared as fuck to let you in knowing full well that you were going to leave. I was the one who trusted you because you promised me you wouldn't "let this turn out badly", to "live in the moment" disregarding the consequences of pursuing a potential relationship. I feel like you tricked me into taking a chance with you, fall for you and then just tossed me aside so nonchalantly. Well, I've gotta give you props there because I never did see this coming. It hit me like a brick wall. Hard. There are just so many mixed feelings inside of me that I want to scream in your face about, but of course I have to keep face. I have to pretend that I'm okay with this bullshit and move along as if it were a careless accident on the freeway. As if nothing ever happened.

I promise you that I will be okay with it. I promise you that I will be fine. I can move past this and one day we can be friends again. But as of lately, I've been randomly bursting into tears and turning into this person that I know I'm not and never have been. & I hate it terribly.

The difference between you and I, is that I'm willing to place myself in a position where I am vulnerable. I'm willing to sacrifice. The thought of tribulation and distance never once strayed me away from you. I stayed, while you ran. You're insecure and you don't trust me or else you would have never threw this away without a fight. I mean, what kind of man runs away at the first thought of hardship? I also love how you can find time and stress over all your extra curricular activities and not even give me the time of day. I've never asked much from you and never will.

Yet even now when you talk to me I feel as if you expect us to act the way we did before. That just isn't possible and it cannot happen. You all but broke my heart and then expect me to be okay with "camping" or even simply sitting alone with you in your car.

It's not fair, and you know that.

I've gotten to the point where I can no longer feel any emotion towards you. I think all the hurt has numbed me past the point of even feeling. It's good because now I can just get over it easier, and I will do everything in my power to speed the process. This doesn't mean that I will move on because I won't. I thought that it was hard for me to trust before, but oh boy.. now the next guy that ever pops into my life will get run down and torn to pieces without mercy, without hesitation. To show if he is even worth wasting my time on. So thank you, thank you for this lesson. I needed to feel this way.

From this day I will no longer write about you. I will no longer bother to talk to you or see you. I will no longer mope and cry about you. I will no longer care about where you are or what it is you could be doing. I'm done.

I feel extremely liberated.
Goodnight folks.

1 comment: